There isn’t much to say about We Are Men that couldn’t be gleaned from the title itself. It’s a show about men, of course. It’s a show where the opening titles feature four men walking down a street to a dude band cover of “I Will Survive” (they couldn’t even spring for Cake?) while checking out a hot chick in slow motion. It’s a show about Frank’s (Tony Shalhoub) Asian fetish, where Stuart’s (Jerry O’Connell) only punchline is taking off his shirt, where Carter (Christopher Nicholas Smith) has to choose between basketball or a female (?), where the men hang out by pools and play video games and talk shit about women and are impossibly cool.
At one point, we learn that Gil (Kal Penn) cheated on his wife but because the affair he was having was so bad (the other woman didn’t always want to have sex, or something, sometimes she wasn’t in the mood haha that dumb female) we are supposed to feel sorry for him, I think? The scene is sort of written with some hint at sympathy for the Man Who Cheats but that can’t be true, right? There is no way we are supposed to cock our heads to the side and say “aww, poor baby Man isn’t having sex with two women, how sad,” right? Please tell me I’m wrong. Anyway, this is a show that exists on CBS (of course it’s on CBS) and that countless people read, watched, approved, thumbs up’d, and eagerly anticipated its premiere date. We are truly living in the golden age of television.
We Are Men is a show where the men put women into two categories: there is the awful controlling shrew beast who tells her husband who he can hang out with and what job he’s allowed to have; then there is the incredibly hot and young woman who only wears bikinis and doesn’t have any lines in the script. For these four men, women are either 40-year-olds who cry and yell or they are 20-year-olds who smile and fuck. There is also Frank’s daughter but let’s be honest: she is a young, hot girl who will more than likely smile and fuck Carter because he is a Man.
Beyond all of that bullshit, there isn’t much happening in this pilot. Carter is jilted at the altar, temporarily moves into the apartment complex, returns to his fiancé, then has his wedding interrupted by the Men who decide his wife his awful, and he moves back into the apartment complex where he is going to learn to be more of a man, I guess? I’m not sure what the thesis is. I’m sure the Men are going to toughen him up, are going to teach him to fuck and run (after all, he’s only had sex with one woman before and oh no, oh god, the Men can’t let that be), are going to help him become a basketball coach (no really, what?), and are going to play a lot of video games in the process. That’s what happens in these shows, right? I’m sure someone’s ex-wife will come back and the Men will have to save him from the evil claws of reconciliation. I’m sure two Men will fight over a woman. I’m sure the Men will drag Carter to night clubs and encourage him to have a one night stand that he probably does not want to have. I’m sure they will make fun of Carter for being nice. I’m sure they will drink many drinks and they will all learn things about themselves but haha no, they won’t.