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Posts tagged "seven minutes in heaven"

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Luther

You know how if you leave a candy bar out in the heat it melts and gets all gooey and melty, but is still delicious?  You know how sometimes in cupcakes you bite it and omg there is cream or some filling inside and you’re like “This is the best cupcake ever!” You know how you take that first bite of a pizza and it’s the most wonderful moment you’ve ever had and then the second bite and third are just as good as the first and you wonder how you are going to go on once you finish the slice?  I could really go on forever, but let’s talk about Luther now shall we?  He’s like that gooey, melty chocolate and that secret cream filling, and that first bite of pizza.  That seven minutes in the closet with Luther would be like eating the best foods in the world.  You don’t want to finish the food because it will be gone and you may never get food that perfect again. Those seven minutes may never happen again and probably won’t (since this is all in our imagination) so take in every second.  Lick that gooey melty chocolate, taste that cream, and take that bite of pizza.  This will be the most filling seven minutes in heaven you have ever had, plus that accent is like a to-go bag.

Seven Minutes in Heaven: The Devil

I’m going to get all nine circles of hell with The Devil in just seven minutes.  I mean those horns, that silky red cape, and his hair. His hair is so beautiful.  I would do so many bad things to The Devil that I don’t think I could even write on this blog.  Let’s just say this…You know those episodes of Man vs. Food where Adam Richman is in the kitchen watching the chefs put together the spiciest wings ever and there is that container of secret sauce that you have to wear plastic gloves and a breathing mask to handle?  Well, that is how hot this seven minutes would be.  I also kinda want some hot wings now too.

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Kevin Peyton
I want to take Kevin Peyton in the closet and just tell him everything  is going to be ok while rubbing his unshaven face.  How can you be so  nice Kevin? Don’t you see that Jackie is playing you like some cheap ass  guitar she bought at the Goodwill?  Come closer baby, I’ll hold you.   What’s that you say? You tried to get all Intervention on her ass? Shh,  do you work out?  Cause your pecs look mighty nice under that flannel  shirt you wear all the time.  You what? You have a new friend.  Who is helping you  get through some shit? I hear you.  Where’s he work? Don’t even tell me his name is Eddie.  It is  isn’t it?  Hush, boo, your thighs like Beyonce’s.  I want to butter them up and lick them like some corn.  You’re getting me  bodied right now.  What’s that?  Someone’s at the door? Let ‘em knock  cause this closet is about to rock.  Hmm? Oh sorry, you’re right we could get some dinner first.

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Kevin Peyton

I want to take Kevin Peyton in the closet and just tell him everything is going to be ok while rubbing his unshaven face.  How can you be so nice Kevin? Don’t you see that Jackie is playing you like some cheap ass guitar she bought at the Goodwill?  Come closer baby, I’ll hold you.  What’s that you say? You tried to get all Intervention on her ass? Shh, do you work out?  Cause your pecs look mighty nice under that flannel shirt you wear all the time.  You what? You have a new friend.  Who is helping you get through some shit? I hear you.  Where’s he work? Don’t even tell me his name is Eddie.  It is isn’t it?  Hush, boo, your thighs like Beyonce’s.  I want to butter them up and lick them like some corn.  You’re getting me bodied right now.  What’s that?  Someone’s at the door? Let ‘em knock cause this closet is about to rock.  Hmm? Oh sorry, you’re right we could get some dinner first.

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Sterling Archer
I am fully aware that Archer is an animated character, but you can not deny me the fact that Archer is the sexiest animated character since Jessica Rabbit.  The first minute he would be wearing his tactilneck and talk to me while I scan my eyes over his body.  The next 6 minutes would pretty much involve something straight out of a Harlequin Romance novel.  He would be thrusting his animated man flesh deep and hard while in my best cartoon voice (which honestly sounds like Glomer from the animated Punky Brewster cartoon) I would tell him to invade my harbor.  He would navigate his ship using the soft fabric of my unfurled sails.  His hands grab on my hard mast.  He slowly lashes his tongue along my starboard side and opens my hatch.  By the time his salty ocean water pours over the stern of my deck the closet door opens.  Don’t people knock anymore?

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Sterling Archer

I am fully aware that Archer is an animated character, but you can not deny me the fact that Archer is the sexiest animated character since Jessica Rabbit.  The first minute he would be wearing his tactilneck and talk to me while I scan my eyes over his body.  The next 6 minutes would pretty much involve something straight out of a Harlequin Romance novel.  He would be thrusting his animated man flesh deep and hard while in my best cartoon voice (which honestly sounds like Glomer from the animated Punky Brewster cartoon) I would tell him to invade my harbor.  He would navigate his ship using the soft fabric of my unfurled sails.  His hands grab on my hard mast.  He slowly lashes his tongue along my starboard side and opens my hatch.  By the time his salty ocean water pours over the stern of my deck the closet door opens.  Don’t people knock anymore?

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Kathy Geiss
You know that moment when you know the worst possible situation could occur, and when it happens, it’s still trauma-inducing? That’s how I felt when the bottle landed on Kathy Geiss and I knew I had seven minutes of gag reflexes being tested. And not in the good way. 
As I sat in the closet, she immediately sat in an enclosed corner on the other side of the room where I thanked the universe for a brief moment where I didn’t think we would have to touch. But as soon as her eyes locked on mine, she got up and grabbed my hand to lead me back to the corner with her. Her hand was not moist as I suspected it would be. No, it was dry and flaking, and just like her hand had left visible dead skin on mine her scalp had also left visible flakes on her shoulder pads. 
She sat down in a way that she made it obvious I was supposed to sit next to her. I swallowed my breath/pride/sanity and just allowed this to happen with a promise that I would drink bleach that evening. I sat next to her. It smelled damp. Then the most beautiful evidence of God appeared - a picture of Mark Wahlberg. She wanted us to not kiss each other, but this picture. I looked at her smiling, and she then spit out not one, but two tubes of chapstick, for each of us. Her kiss to the picture was tender - sweet, even. She engorged his face and I realized I was going to have to kiss the abs. Her saliva fell down the photograph and I wiped off part of it with my hand that I would burn later. I kiss the photo. It wasn’t great, but it was a kiss of gratitude, not love. 
The seven minutes were up and I offered a hand to help her up (the same hand with the saliva on it - I was planning on burning it later anyway), she refused. And started to undress. I sensed the moment and excused myself to live life to the fullest.

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Kathy Geiss

You know that moment when you know the worst possible situation could occur, and when it happens, it’s still trauma-inducing? That’s how I felt when the bottle landed on Kathy Geiss and I knew I had seven minutes of gag reflexes being tested. And not in the good way. 

As I sat in the closet, she immediately sat in an enclosed corner on the other side of the room where I thanked the universe for a brief moment where I didn’t think we would have to touch. But as soon as her eyes locked on mine, she got up and grabbed my hand to lead me back to the corner with her. Her hand was not moist as I suspected it would be. No, it was dry and flaking, and just like her hand had left visible dead skin on mine her scalp had also left visible flakes on her shoulder pads. 

She sat down in a way that she made it obvious I was supposed to sit next to her. I swallowed my breath/pride/sanity and just allowed this to happen with a promise that I would drink bleach that evening. I sat next to her. It smelled damp. Then the most beautiful evidence of God appeared - a picture of Mark Wahlberg. She wanted us to not kiss each other, but this picture. I looked at her smiling, and she then spit out not one, but two tubes of chapstick, for each of us. Her kiss to the picture was tender - sweet, even. She engorged his face and I realized I was going to have to kiss the abs. Her saliva fell down the photograph and I wiped off part of it with my hand that I would burn later. I kiss the photo. It wasn’t great, but it was a kiss of gratitude, not love. 

The seven minutes were up and I offered a hand to help her up (the same hand with the saliva on it - I was planning on burning it later anyway), she refused. And started to undress. I sensed the moment and excused myself to live life to the fullest.

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Ben Wyatt
I know we’ll be in a closet and all, but Ben WILL be wearing his Ray Bans.  There is nothing more sexy than a man wearing Ray Bans, they just up the sexy factor tenfold.  I’ll probably just be lying down on the floor with my hands resting on my cheeks and my feet up, crossing back & forth, you know, being all coy.  I know, I know, you’re probably asking yourself why aren’t we making out yet? I’m just playing hard to get.  He is husband material.  You saw how he brought waffles & chicken noodle soup to Leslie at the hospital?  I don’t want to put out too early.  I crawl over all commando style so we can utilize this last minute.  I lean in real close, kiss his cheek, and whisper in his ear, “Where do you shop?”

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Ben Wyatt

I know we’ll be in a closet and all, but Ben WILL be wearing his Ray Bans.  There is nothing more sexy than a man wearing Ray Bans, they just up the sexy factor tenfold.  I’ll probably just be lying down on the floor with my hands resting on my cheeks and my feet up, crossing back & forth, you know, being all coy.  I know, I know, you’re probably asking yourself why aren’t we making out yet? I’m just playing hard to get.  He is husband material.  You saw how he brought waffles & chicken noodle soup to Leslie at the hospital?  I don’t want to put out too early.  I crawl over all commando style so we can utilize this last minute.  I lean in real close, kiss his cheek, and whisper in his ear, “Where do you shop?”

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Ned

Ned the piemaker.  Seriously could there be a better man to spend seven minutes in a closet with?  Can you imagine what he would smell like?  On the surface he’d smell sweet, like blueberries and apples, but there would also be a little spice, like cinnamon and nutmeg.  He’d smell like your own personal yankee candle.  He could also smell like apricots, or raspberries, or custard, or bavarian chocolate cream.  Would it be really weird if you spent the entire seven minutes smelling him?  Underneath the berries and spice would be the pie crust.  That fresh flour and butter.  Omg the butter.  He would use real butter too (making Paula Deen proud).  We wouldn’t need any plastic wrap to kiss, although, I would bring it so we could reenact scenes from the show… I’d obviously be Chuck.  I mean who really wants to be Olive Snook?  After making out for almost the last two minutes, since I spent the first 5 smelling him, I’d remove the plastic, kiss him, and die.  Not literally, but remember I’m channeling Chuck here and I want to stay as true to character as possible.

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Gary Hobson

It was a hard decision deciding which Kyle Chandler I wanted in the closet with me for 7 minutes.  Did I want Coach Eric Taylor or did I want Gary Hobson? I made a mental pros & cons list and decided I might get lucky with Gary.  Gary was in the midst of a messy divorce, getting newspapers telling the future delivered to his apartment door, and let’s face it had a really cool cat that he was hanging out with and I don’t mean Fisher Stevens.  Enough of that…time to get back in the closet.

I really want to spend almost the entire seven minutes in his arms just looking at his eyes & his furrowed brow, but I’m getting real here & that would probably be creepy.  I’d have a bottle of Fuzzy Navel Boone’s Farm Wine that we would sip straight from the bottle.  You gotta keep it classy in the closet.  I’d have my portable radio playing the sexy sounds of Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On. Making the most of the apple wine flavors we’d kiss in between sips.  Gary would be singing along with Marvin and I’d be nodding my head like yeah.  Without getting even more creepy, although I’m pretty sure I stepped over those bounds a couple sentences ago, I reach up and touch his eyebrows.  We kiss one more time and the door opens swiftly ending my fantasy. 

I’m pretty thirsty now.

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Charlie Kelly
It may smell a little gross if I was in a closet for seven whole minutes  with Charlie Kelly, but it would be worth every 420 seconds.  I’ve  always recognized the subtle bisexuality of Charlie, so I wasn’t worried  about us making it to at least second base.  I already prepared  the closet with a few pillows to make it a little more cosy and about  eight of those Renuzit Aroma Adustables, the Pure Breeze scent obvs.   The first minute is always lost on awkward conversation.  We’d talk  about kitten mittens, green man, and beer.  I’d put my hand on his knee  gently when he mentions kitten mittens and at about the two minute mark  slip him a little tongue.  His breath would need a little assistance,  but I planned ahead and was already chewing some gum that I slip into  his mouth.  What? Let’s not waste time complaining about swapping gum  here I only have five minutes left & I will not be denied second  base.  After what is probably three minutes, including some mad  reciprocation on Charlie’s part (see I told you), he actually makes the  next move and unbuttons my shirt.  I oblidge and move in to unbutton his  shirt.  For those of you unfamiliar this is not second base, I still  have at least a minute to make it underneath his clothes all Shakira  style.  He’s actually a really wet kisser which means I have to wipe my  face on his beard in between our make out sesh.  I reach below and  loosen his belt (who wears belts when they’re playing this game?) and  then someone knocks on the door. Fuck!  There’s always Spin the Bottle.

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Charlie Kelly

It may smell a little gross if I was in a closet for seven whole minutes with Charlie Kelly, but it would be worth every 420 seconds.  I’ve always recognized the subtle bisexuality of Charlie, so I wasn’t worried about us making it to at least second base.  I already prepared the closet with a few pillows to make it a little more cosy and about eight of those Renuzit Aroma Adustables, the Pure Breeze scent obvs.  The first minute is always lost on awkward conversation.  We’d talk about kitten mittens, green man, and beer.  I’d put my hand on his knee gently when he mentions kitten mittens and at about the two minute mark slip him a little tongue.  His breath would need a little assistance, but I planned ahead and was already chewing some gum that I slip into his mouth.  What? Let’s not waste time complaining about swapping gum here I only have five minutes left & I will not be denied second base.  After what is probably three minutes, including some mad reciprocation on Charlie’s part (see I told you), he actually makes the next move and unbuttons my shirt.  I oblidge and move in to unbutton his shirt.  For those of you unfamiliar this is not second base, I still have at least a minute to make it underneath his clothes all Shakira style.  He’s actually a really wet kisser which means I have to wipe my face on his beard in between our make out sesh.  I reach below and loosen his belt (who wears belts when they’re playing this game?) and then someone knocks on the door. Fuck!  There’s always Spin the Bottle.