The Hangover Session with Tess Lynch

Tess Lynch is a writer living in Los Angeles. She currently writes for Grantland and Tumbls here. Tess has written some of my favorite things on the internet. You should really spend some time reading (or re-reading) her writing.

What TV character would you most like to have drinks with?

Peter Paul “Paulie Walnuts” Gaultieri. And his mother, God bless her.

Where do you watch TV? Do you watch television on an actual TV?

I watch TV in my living room under a pile of laptops, afghans and a baby, just like Amber Portwood does. I watch TV analog style because paying for Hulu Plus gives me a rash and I have to watch things in real time in order to recap them. Except MTV’s “True Life” because its schedule lies to my DVR and it’s better to watch that outside on your balcony so your neighbors can hear you shouting at the teenagers like you’re Grandpa Torino.

What is your “must see tv”?

Survivor, always. Louie. American Horror Story. All of the Top Chefs. The Voice, X Factor, American Idol. Mad Men. Parenthood, but typing that makes me hate myself, so pretend I just coughed and all you heard was “Dax.” Any re-run of The Mary Tyler Moore show. Most miniseries about medical experiments or horrible crimes.

What fall TV shows are you looking forward to most? Least?

American Horror Story: Asylum is going to be off the chain. Chloe Sevigny as a sex addict and Adam Levine playing a guy named “Leo” are very powerful draws for me. Ryan Murphy is insane. I will also be watching Challenge on MTV because I just need to, man, I really need to. Potentially Last Resort and almost definitely 666 Park Avenue. As for least? Do you have to even ask? Whitney.

If you could invite three TV characters to a dinner party, who would they be and what would be the topic of dinner conversation?

Randy Marsh, Roger Sterling and Lou Grant. We’re discussing Jeffrey Eugenides. We’re eating eclairs.

What TV show are you embarrassed to say you watch regularly?

I count the lengthy Google Chrome commercials (i.e. daughter off to college, motherless, Skyping with dad, hiding miserably in dorm room, contemplating suicide) as shows because they have very complicated arcs and tend to linger in my consciousness. And I hate them. But I love them. But I hate them. Also: fine. Chopped.

Who is the most underrated actress on TV right now?

Has Mae Whitman “arrived” yet? I love that girl. I love her face.

What book do you think could be made into a great TV show?

Oh! Oh! Tree of Smoke as a miniseries! Also Raymond Carver’s “Will You Please Be Quiet, Please?” and Robert Stone’s collection “Bear and His Daughter.” I love unsettling dramas. David Lynch to direct! Make it happen!

What was your favorite television show as a child?

Taxi. So much subtext when you’re eleven.

Write a short story about this gif:

“This is fun!” said Velma. “I thought that after what happened last time we were here, we’d never come back to this pizza place again.”
“That’s true,” agreed Daphne, “for a while I didn’t think I could stand to be reminded of all that ooky stuff with Shaggy. But they have bottomless pop, and I sure love their calzones!”
Shaggy didn’t say anything.
“It took me a while to get over last Saturday, to be honest,” said Fred. “I never knew that just a tiny shard of glass could kill a big, strong teenage man in his prime.”
“Shaggy,” said Velma, “would you like a cream soda?”
Shaggy started to lean over towards Daphne. She screamed and pushed him upright again. A fly landed on Shaggy’s piece of pizza.
“I want the check,” said Daphne. “I’m finished.”
“No,” said Fred, “No. We’re all having a good time.”
Everyone chewed thoughtfully. Everyone except Shaggy.
Scooby-Doo pressed his nose against the pizza parlor’s window. A single tear rolled down his nose.

Cast Mo’Nique in the following AMC shows:

Breaking Bad

• Walter dies (sorry). In the final season, he wakes up one morning to the sounds of a malevolent laugh and a hand with acrylic nails holding a pink teddy bear up to his face. The hand makes the teddy bear into a horrible puppet singing a terrible song, like “Sex on Fire.” Walter screams, the puppet drops, and we zoom out to reveal that Mo’Nique is Satan and Jesse is her eternal sex slave. Oh yeah, Jesse also died. Everybody died. Mo’Nique guides Jesse and Walter on a trip through the physical world. They lean on her gigantic tatas for comfort, but find none, for she is Satan now.

The Walking Dead

• Full disclosure: I have never seen even one episode of this show. So I’m just going to go for it and cast Mo’Nique as a totally crazy woman who has barricaded herself in her house for like six months fearing the zombies and who has grown to believe that her collection of Madame Alexander dolls are real children. Also she eats spiders. I think that this falls right in Mo’Nique’s wheelhouse.

Mad Men

• Mo’ is Megan’s drama teacher who instills both confidence and paranoia in her pupil: suddenly Megan is booking Broadway roles and landing a great guest spot on The Brady Bunch, but her ambition has driven a wedge between her and Don. Mo’ encourages Megan to leave Don, which she does, but then her control on the young starlet starts to get out of hand: the next time Don sees Megan, it’s in Godspell off-Broadway; afterward, they have drinks and she won’t stop babbling about Judas. Chatting over martinis, her voice won’t deviate from B-minor. Mo’ is hiding in the hallway by the restrooms, spying on them with opera binoculars.

X Factor or The Voice?

X Factor has become so glossy-glossy. What’s with the weird fly-on-the-wall intro’s of people having conversations while they wait in line or in front of the mirror? Can that be real? I’m going with The Voice, despite Carson Daly.

Party of Five or Party Down?

Party Down!

SpongeBob or Bob’s Burgers?

I am almost thirty years old. That is my answer to this question.

Emily Thorne or Emily Fields?

Fields all the way. I want more lesbians on network TV. BRING ME MY LESBIANS.

Diane Chambers or Rebecca Howe?

Diane Chambers. So aspirational. I waitressed in college and it only took two days of Hawaiian Shirt Week to make me realize how quickly real waitressing would have broken that woman. Your hair cannot stay flippy during Hawaiian Shirt Week. You tear it out in the breakroom when you’re sobbing into your enchiladas.

Best hangover remedy?

Raw eggs and aspartame. Served on the potty.

What other tumblrs/bloggers would you like to see answer questions like this?

Richard Rushfield, Matt Allard, Celeste Ballard.